I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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