they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
