the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My hand turned me down
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
