I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
