How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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