Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
