Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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