At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
