man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
