Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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