I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
