May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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