forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
