Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
