I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
