he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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