I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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