When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
