I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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