and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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