peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
this is an emotional support booty call
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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