I wish I could teleport
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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