pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
