pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
why is half of my head shaved?
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