just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we're making bets on your personal life
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
