I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
