I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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