i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
