i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
