He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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