My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize