Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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