Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
