I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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