Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
