if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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