Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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