kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
