tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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