I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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