I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
