two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
