So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
