the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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