its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We left the knife in your bed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
