Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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