My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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