My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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