You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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