i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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