hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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