i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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