Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
