She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
