my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
