thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
