what day is it and did you see me today?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize